I just want to die.
I light her cigarette and spreads her legs as wide as they will go before unzipping her skin tight jeans and leaving her there, exposed, arms behind her back, in the straightback chair. Her boots are rich tall buttery leather, heels like towering city building. She watches me as I move expertly about her, she is motionless, yielding, as I pull roughly at the holes in the torn denim at her knees, ripping the soft fabric open further, revealing sudden peeks of taught porcelain skin. Stealing her cigarette, I step back to observe her, naked from the waist up, strawberry hair cascading down over her pale smooth breasts. I curl my lip into a sly smirk as I blow the smoke towards her, the taste of sin and spice, and her crystal blue eyes flash with the electricity of what it feels like to be observed, objectified, studied. Seen. Desired. Adored. Under my gaze she comes alive, a graceful animal, heightened, within the wilderness of skin, bone, exposure, excited by the earthy scent of the coming darkness of night. Made to sit still, obey, arouse, pose as instructed. For pleasure. She is a mysterious gift, a playful nymph, a work of exquisitely tousled art, fine sculpture, ribbed, malleable clay. I know it is the limitations I place around her like invisible restraints which will penetrate, cause her to overflow her wanton cups, mouth, lips, eyes, hips, sex. She leans back to shake the blazing waves of her auburn hair, just to feel them whisper against her bare back. She needs to be touched. She needs to be pet. My pet. Feel my generous strokes of affection. Protection. Command. Encouragement. Sensing her want as it crackles in the air between us,I stood behind her gently and placed the cigarette back in her mouth. As it grazes her tongue she bites the tip of my finger – teeth digging hard into my delicious flesh – and I drag the force of my palms along her jaw before tugging her hair tight inside my fist. She arches her long elegant neck and struggles against the hardness of the chair. The divine torture of the friction it creates causes her to moan aloud. “Fuck, me harder“.My hands trace her collarbone, then move in unison over her breasts, caressing, kneading, pinching her nipples to stand fully erect, obscene, as the molten heat turns to liquid lava between her thighs. Moving the sweet pressure of my touch down along her aching skin, stopping for just a breath at her navel, before skimming thick fingers of my right hand over her throbbing, swollen clit. As the evening sun slopes quietly behind the purple of darkening mountains in the distance, she is wide open for me. Her ragged panting hot against the pulse of my neck. A living, breathing, silent primal beg….to be continued
My fingers moving on her naked ribcage
waiting for the sun to rise
saying goodbye to the moon and the starry night in her arms.
The blow hot breath
Her tongue as a snake liking my strawberry lips
our fiery desires, our scandalous thoughts.
I can not stop myself from feeling this way
as I watch your hips moving like waves on the ocean
vigorous movements which help your sword to penetrate her avid fortress.
Too many servants of love looking for instant gratification
Master of love I want to be while tasting on her mouth her wet fingers from self-pleasure.
She is the key, the perfect feminine shape
that while the sun rises, I see your magnitude as a reflection of my own soul
Any girl can wear a push up swimsuit and flaunt her boobs
Any girl can stick her ass out in a picture and show everyone that she does have butt cheeks
Any girl can suck in her stomach, edit her teeth curl her eyelashes and cover up pimples. Any girl can prove she looks a certain way if she really tries
So why are you working so hard to show everyone the same thing?
You know what not just “any girl” can do?
Not just any girl can keep a smile on her face even when she’s tired and annoyed
Not just any girl can be happy in her independence and feel pretty even when no boy is there to tell her how hot she is
Not just any girl can be smart in her decisions and not do stupid stuff out of insecurity
Not just any girl can be kind to everyone and not drag others down but lift them up
If you want to be noticed do what no one else is doing.
Hold on hold on hold onto me coz am a little unsteady. The song I listen to everytime a thought of you crosses my fragile naive mind. My heart lightens up and burns up to temperatures that a dreadful. All that happens when I don’t see you or hear your voice even worse when I don’t see your name pop up my phone screen it worsens my situation. I try to remember how to forget you but you are a curved mark on my heart.
You out there born with such a golden heart and a million dollar smile. Beautiful voice which I don’t want to stop listening to whenever your talking to me. It’s crazy how I just caught feelings for you which was unintended. I just couldn’t help it. I tried to fall out of love with you but my heart is tied to you with chains made of bronze and cast iron. Whenever you come around my minutes turn to seconds, they go too fast for me to even catch a breath. Seeing you three out of five days a week is barely enough that’s why I have this dreams of you, of us. I wake up every night staring at the ceiling and wishing they would be all true but who am I kidding, I don’t even have the courage to tell you how I feel. I want to hold your hand have you flower-like scent on my clothes and then coz when ever you come and lean your body to mine and we hug I don’t want to lose the fragrance that you leave on my clothes.
It’s hard for me tho. Hard for me to fall out of this fantasy of us that I have all tangled up in my head. I try to smoke you out of my head but you’d move to my heart. Then it would catch fire and all the weed would be just a drop of water in the ocean. Prescribed medicine would work I thought. I had me some heavy sleeping pills to avoid the past 2 am thoughts even those are powerless against the feeling that are deep rooted in my heart and arched with helium like a golden plate. I say to my self 24 times each our in a day that it might be a passing wind that has strong monsoons to it. We can’t lie to our selves that we know.
I wish it was as easy as it is in the movies. I wish I was the boy that ends who with you. I wish that my wishes would be somehow real and true. I wish I could have more time with you. I wish I would be that guy who when you see his text your face brightens up. I wish I would be your reason to love. I wish to show you a whole new world, Aladdin and Jasmine peasant boy who had a princess at the end that I can relate to. I wish I would be the one who would one day build a future with you and frame those baby picture on our walls. Sometimes I wake up at 4 am and wish I didn’t have this feelings. I want to cry my self to sleep but am like “calm down lemayian, maybe they will come to pass.” You out there with a golden heart and a million dollar smile
After a while the hurt hurts less. You start to see the reason, understand why they did what they did. Knowing that it takes two hands to clap. Learn that not everyone you meet will stay in your life forever. Sometimes, they are passing characters in the chapter of your book. There to teach you a certain lesson, to help you experience different thing in life, different emotions, to grow and maybe to show you how to love yourself better.
I know you have lost someone and it hurts. You may have lost them suddenly and unexpectedly. Or perhaps you began to lose pieces of them until one day, there was nothing left. You might have known them all your life or you may have barely known them at all. Either way it’s irrelevant, you cannot control the depth of wound someone inflicts on you.
Some characters will be difficult to replace when the time has come to end that chapter of your life. But it is important to learn and see that it is necessary to let them go, even if you don’t want.
Which is why I am not here to tell you tomorrow is another day. The sun will go on shinning. The trees will keep on growing and there will be plenty of fish in the sea. What I will tell you is this it’s okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not completely valid but it’s necessary. Because it reminds you that you are human. You’ve got feelings and they can be wounded. Even though I cannot promise it will get better any time soon, I can tell you that eventually it will. For now take your time take all the time you need.
Sometimes, the reason of letting someone go is because they can’t help but hurt you. When you love someone deeply you learn what demons live within them and you realize that they are hurting you because they are hurting somewhere within themselves. They fight battles within them and they may not even know it so they take it out on you and fight you instead. You decide to let them go because not because you are petty and resentful. You let them go because you really believe that both of you can find healing that you truly need without being together and hurting each other on the process. Letting go doesn’t mean that you stop loving and caring for them. Letting go means that you choose freedom over the illusion of loyalty.
At the beginning it will hurt, you’ll feel like a hot piece of steel is slowly being driven into your heart. It is this kind of hurt that will leave you crying till you fall asleep, puffy eyes, nose blocked and swollen. The kind of hurt that follows you everywhere reminding you of the memories you had once shared at particular places as you pass them by. The hurt that leaves you thinking if you ever meant anything to them or you were just collateral. Heartbreak is inevitable, especially with the people you love. But if there is one thing I have learnt is that you cannot have expectations coz those lead to disappointment. You cannot expect for them to love you back the same way you have loved them, with the same amount of energy and intensity. And that my friend is the sad truth.
The way you love someone doesn’t determine the way that person will love you. You can have multiple connections with people but that doesn’t automatically mean they are meant for you, the same applies to love. This applies to both friendships and relationships. But we hate to accept the ultimate truth.
The hardest part of losing someone is not saying goodbye, it is learning to live without them. And what fuels the hurt is seeing how they are able to move on without you. But can you blame them? Frankly, you can’t. If you really love a person, you will want them to be happy. Even if it means that they’re going to be happy without you, you will respect that and let them go. Because you want them to be happy. But what if you don’t want to let them go? Would you rather be happy with someone but that person doesn’t feel the same happiness with you? You are just being selfish and inconsiderate of their feelings. We have to learn to deny ourselves happiness for the sake of others.
The one thing people crave is to be loved and being valued. However when you are looking for love, to find that healing that you seek so much and fill the void that was left in you. It really never works. It’s like a forced connection because you want to fill the space that was left in you. You crave that drug and rush into love, infatuation, because it’s a satisfying feeling.
The best kind of love is that which is unexpected. Because you are not looking for something, you are not looking for healing. Sometimes, through the people that we meet, we find healing. And the world doesn’t seem that bitter after all. They help you to get back on your feet. Become stronger, stronger than before. Aware of how love can be so fragile and pure but has the power to break, shatter and destroy.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you throbbing for and if you dare to dream your heart’s yearnings. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream your adventure to feel alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you’ve touched the center of your own sorrow. If you have been opened by life’s treacheries or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own without moving to hide, fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own. If you can dance in the rowdiness and let ecstasy fill you to the tip of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic or to remember the curbs of human beings. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling is true, I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be authentic and there for trustworthy. I want to know if you can see the beauty even if it’s it not attractive every day.
I doesn’t interest me where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be. I want to know if you will stand in the middle of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me with were or with whom you’ve studied. I want to know what you sustained from the inside when everything else fell away. It doesn’t interest me how best you can do. I want to know how willing you are to do what you can. I don’t seek perfection. I want loyalty, passion and growth of mind and soul between you and me.
It took me a very long time to ascertain myself in a way that I can definite myself, my contemplations and visions. Is there anyone reading this? Can I really reach you with my words? Do I make a difference? That vestiges a question but I like to try. And that’s why: along the way I found out what works and what doesn’t for me. I know my truncated points, my flaws and I know better than anyone how I graft. As it is always said, and it is always a cliché treating another how you would like to be treated yourself is the key. Unfortunately, I cannot rheostat how someone else thinks how they treat me and in what situations that has brought me. A lot has happened so that I have lost hope often enough, confidence has been damaged and I have often stood on the brink of a breakdown. Yet with time and awareness I have found my way back and I have kept my goal in mind. I want to show who I am, not how someone else presents me or treats me. I want to share how I think and how I can improve things. I want to help those who have experienced the same thing. I want to make the world a better place, at least I want to try.
When I was in a worse state, it was always something that was missing. Someone who understood me, who felt what I felt, who could articulate what was going on inside of me, someone who took care of me someone who could guide me through the search and name of a the pandemonium inside of me. But when the person is not there, I only had two options, and I chose to fight. I wanted to discover who I was, what caused my thoughts, my question and my desolation, and how I could fill, name and express it, how I could find myself in the chaos and make the chaos in the world change. I went through development and growth that I never envisioned until a few moons ago
I am an introvert, I have HSP (Highly sensitive person), someone with an extra sense, I see, feel and think deeply, intense and often. This has always been something that got in my way, and what I am uncertain about, I feel more vulnerable, because when you feel and experience everything so intensely, it can cause you enormous damage. I learnt my lesson in this and formed my vision and passion. I want to help others see and feel that things can be different. Because it is possible, as long as you are willing to look at yourself with all pure and genuine intentions and to express them.
Sobriety a state of being sober. No utter dysfunction to the way you think act or attend to your daily/normal routines. Of late that has not been the case with me. I have had an emotional roller coaster for reasons that I don’t even understand. Some days I will wake up dead ass pissed for no goddamn reason feeling a little disconnected from my soul and I feel so fucking drained. I would even “forget” to do my prayers. I feel like am losing my freaking mind over shit that doesn’t even make any sense to me or to anyone. Am at war with myself. I try to do things that I like for example drawing, dancing, a little bit singing although my voice is not that appealing but none of this things feel like they used to anymore. And for that reason I’d hate myself for that. I then take my phone coz am a fucking “phonaholic” just a word I made myself meaning am married to my phone screen. That’s why some of y’all would text me and I’d reply almost immediately or I’d view your status almost before you even post them. It challenging I’ll have to admit. It sucks to have an addiction as I may call it. It sucks waking up every (not every- some I wake up and I feel like fucking LeBron James) morning feeling like a bag of shit. Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Is this some ancient curse upon my family and the one chosen to bear all this uncalled for pain and anguish? It’s annoying. And if that’s not enough. School work comes with its nosy bitchy ass and add unbearable stress. It’s exhausting you guys……very exhausting.
Fuck it’s 3 in the AM again. Second week with this insomnia shit going on. Am online doing nothing important but am still on my phone. Then what better time to rewind on my memories. This are the hardest thoughts to deal with by the way. It annoying and very emotional. I am in a box (my memories) and I have locked myself inside and I have the key with me. Honestly it’s hard to have going through something in your life that was so real and too good to be true and you are the reason why it ended. I do blame myself a lot for the decisions that I have made in the past without giving it a thought or having a rational and compelling reason as to why I had to make that choice valid. Yes, we learn from mistakes and that is equals to going through hell, getting burnt and then after that is when you go like “Oh, so that happened” from personal experience regrets will drain you. They are a constant reminder that you are made of shit and you are fucking worthless with a weak ass character and you are a walking flaw. That hurts, it really pulls a nerve. Point blank.
Although my life sometimes may be a hell hole of pain, I never give up on me. I know at the end I’ll have me and only me to fall back to and that gives me the strength in my weakness. I may be a mess but that’s just it I am my own mess. I clean my own mess. I own up to my mistakes coz if I don’t it will only be harder for me. With that in mind I tend to fix myself to let me know that I am winning even if the battle is not in my favor. Letting your self understand your flaws and how to fix them is one of the biggest flexes you’ll ever have. Don’t let you beat you up and expect someone else to save you. Seek a safe refuge in you and make it the source of your strength. Sermon your inner chi, call to your inner comfort. No one is always failing. Just as no one is always succeeding. It’s a matter of will power and confidence. And if it’s hard for you to handle all your pain alone call onto a friend, a confidant someone who is neutral and is willing to listen to you, Help you up fighting alone is sometimes hectic and you’ll make some not so good decisions. So let someone in to help you keep you in the right track. Tell them what you think and ask them for their opinion too. Have an open mind so that you can tackle the situation from any angle.
I have a shit load of problems but I never quit. Most of my fights I have overcome. Some I have not. But when I look back in my life I see pain, mistakes and heartaches but when I look in the mirror is see strength, lessons learnt,and pride in my self.I fight back and be bold enough to face my shit for the sake of sanity and you should too…